Tag Archives: love

Monday Motivations: “No Makeup” Today

I don’t usually don’t write a lot of posts on women, but this Kendrick Lamar song struck me a certain way and I thought it best to talk to you today.

With all the pressures you face each day, the continuous assaults on your self-esteem, the pressure to keep up at work, at home and everywhere in between. This is an open letter of encouragement:

I know you’re single sister, trying to navigate through all the mishaps of dating, dressing  and Divatude. Keep stepping, keep reaching and just know that when the dust settles from all the moves you make, from all the goals you meet we like you when you’re just being yourself, Au naturel, tender strong, vulnerable and confident.

Wives, we love your support, your nurturing, your power, we want to woo you like The Song of Solomon, and appreciate you like Proverbs 31. You juggle your career, our house, our kids without missing a beat. Lean on us, trust in us and believe in us the way we believe in you. You inspire us to be better boys, better sons, better fathers, better men.

In the morning when you get ready in the mirror  remember-the lipstick, gloss, blush and eye lashes only enhance you…so in honor of that beauty….

We see  the real you. We appreciate the real you.

“No make up today.”



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Transformations: “Diva’s Wanna Know”- Her Love Questions Answered Part III

A few months ago I was asked to take part in a blog series called “Divas Wanna Know” by @Jendiva of Mind of a Diva, a great blog for women full of empowering posts that encourage women to redefine what it means to be a Diva.

This is part three of questions that women wanted to ask men in a frank and honest way. Here’s part I & part II.

What questions would you have asked? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

1. How will you know when you’ve met the right woman? Or if you’re in a relationship how did you know?

For me it was a slow realization. As I spent time with her all my fears (yes we get scared too, no matter what we tell you) began to dissolve and I realized this was the person I NEEDED to be with (her personality complimented mine) and WANTED to be with (she is the one that I want to spend all of my time with) and when I realized this I had to marry her.

2. Is it important for you (as a man) to have a partner (wife) that is an intellectual equal or are there more important factors that you consider?

What’s more important is similar VALUES. What does she BELIEVE in? What motivates the course of her life? Sure intelligence is important, but what good is all that intellect if she doesn’t share the values you hold dear?

3. Why do men use texting, email, chat, and other nonverbal methods to end a relationship? Why do they feel that’s acceptable?

Unfortunately this is a generational thing, it’s irresponsible, disrespectful and lazy. What used to be a cop-out confined to High School and College is now infiltrated into “adult relationships.” Grown men in their late 20’s and up to their 40’s are using texting as way to deceive and avert responsibility. Why? Because way before the relationship is over, he’s already divorced his emotions and doesn’t want to deal with the woman. In his eyes sending a text, email or any other non verbal communication is his way of not dealing with the “emotional drama.” However, If a man needs to have a serious conversation with his woman it needs to face to face, period.

4. What does it take for men to commit to a relationship?

I can’t speak for other men but for me I needed to connect and feel that she appreciated the time and effort I put in opening myself up to her, sharing my values, goals. When I know she and I are on the same page or even despite our differences we are able to respect each others mental, emotional and spiritual pursuits, that’s when I knew that I needed to be with her forever.

5. Do you think it’s important to feed yourself spiritually? If so, how do you feed your soul?

I think it’s very important. I believe it’s what keeps you grounded to a theme and a purpose in your life. I try to stay actively involved my place of worship. I read a verse in the Scriptures that relates to a specific dilemma or even a character trait I’m trying to develop. Wisdom and humility are the two that I’ve tried to work on and master.

6. As a man do you feel that women’s standards are too high when they are looking for someone to date/be in a relationship with?

That depends on what their standards are. In reality it’s all about mirroring the qualities you want a mate to have in your own life. Honestly speaking, you can’t want a specific quality In a man that you don’t already have in yourself. That’s only fair. One of my Twitter friends once said “You can’t ask for Superman unless you are at least a Wonder Woman.”

Dress Internally – TheStyleGent

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Transformations: “Divas Wanna Know”-Her Love Questions Answered Pt II

A few weeks ago I was asked to take part in a blog series called “Divas Wanna Know” by @Jendiva of Mind of a Diva a great blog for women full of empowering posts that encourage women to redefine what it means to be a Diva. This is part II of questions that women wanted to ask men in a frank and honest way. I re-posted my answers here. I’m curious, what questions would you have asked? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

1. Do you see your ideal woman being introverted or extroverted?

I always saw myself with someone who was more extroverted because I’m like that but I discovered the woman who I fell in love with is introverted and I found that I’m more suited with that type.

Why do you like that type?

I like her type because of all the things I’ve learned from her. She’s more of an observer, notices a lot of the details because she’s not talking as much. So I’ve learned to be more balanced…observing as much as I speak and because of that it’s made me a wiser more insightful person.

2. What qualities do you admire most about a women and why?

I admire her emotional intelligence, her ability to empathize. I also admire her internal strength and her ability to do any and everything.

What do you like the least?

I really don’t like the pettiness and cattiness some women display.

3. When did you consider yourself to be emotionally secure to be comfortable with yourself ?

It was a process. By the time I was in my late 20’s I was pretty comfortable with the person that I had become. Although I must admit there were things that I learned and got better at as I got older.

4. For guys is it necessary that a woman have her own professional success?

Not necessarily, as long as she’s providing for herself and  accomplishing her purpose and passion.

5. Why do you believe that some women mistake a man being nice to them as flirting?

“She’s immune to Chivalry, Distracted by Game, Never had the former, So she thinks they’re the same.”

Basically some women mistake “niceness” for Game. They are used to guys wanting something from them. Because most guys use game to get what they want its difficult to distinguish that from true heartfelt chivalry.

6. Do you compare your mate to your mother? Consciously or subconsciously..


7. How do guys decide if they are dealing with a woman who is a keeper versus a woman they can just have “fun” with?


I was never a guy who just wanted to have “fun” with a woman. I knew the difference between friendship, dating, and courtship. I didn’t date till I was ready to be in a relationship so I always discussed boundaries. I dated with purpose and found the person I was meant to be with quicker.

8. Are men bothered by their girl talking to her friends about their relationship?

Yes. Most of us are bothered by it. I know I make it a habit not to discuss intimate details of my relationship with anyone, not even my parents. We understand that you like “girl talk”, but there’s a line that you should stay within. General things like personal preferences, favorite things etc.

Are there topics that shouldn’t be discussed?

Yes. Conflicts or disagreements, sex and money should never be discussed with anyone outside the relationship because it only leads to more conflicts.

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Transformations: “Diva’s Wanna Know”- Her Love Questions Answered Pt I

A few weeks ago I was asked to take part in a blog series called “Divas Wanna Know” by @Jendiva of Mind of a Diva a great blog for women full of empowering posts that encourage women to redefine what it means to be a Diva. These were questions that women wanted to ask men in a frank and honest way. I re-posted my answers here. I’m curious, what questions would you have asked? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

1. What is your definition of a man and what can a woman do to make you feel way?

I think that a man should embody these four qualities:

Love: Love of God, love of self and love for others, especially his family.

Wisdom: He should strive to become a man of deep focus, learning more about himself, his purpose and using his life experiences to encourage and inspire others.

Justice: He should strive to be a man of integrity, always creating an environment of genuine respect, rising above the divisive pettiness of aggression and violence and replacing it with honor and civility.

Power: He should develop the mental, emotional and spiritual acuity to control his internal reactions to his external surroundings. he should use his physical strength not to oppress, but to protect when called upon.

When she is encouraging, motivating, supporting and sometimes even challenges her mates aspirations, he becomes more courageous, confident and purposeful, knowing he has the backing and support from the woman he loves.

2. In regards to romantic relationships, what are your fears and why?

Because I’m more open with my emotions I used to be afraid of scaring a women off, appearing clingy, giving a little too much too soon. To protect myself I used to try to shut down my feelings to not to appear “soft” or “emo.” That only led to a breakdown in communication and ultimately the demise of the relationship. I had to come to embrace my own dating style and now I’m very happy with the woman I’m with because she appreciates that openness.

3. What are your ‘deal breakers’ in terms of someone you are considering being serious with?

I always knew that I had to have a woman who has a deep sense of spirituality. It would be the one thing that would keep her focused and grounded on the right things in life. A Proverbs 31 woman would be the complete package. I also knew that I would need to be the same…focused, industrious, loving etc. I’m fortunate enough to have found her and our spirituality keeps us close and our relationship thriving.

4. Do you prefer women that wear their natural hair of fake hair more and why?

Personally it doesn’t matter to me. I’m aware of how a woman’s hair is her “crown” and an important piece of her esteem, so for me I think if it makes you feel good about yourself then great! My wife has had her hair long, permed, natural, straight and short. She is still beautiful no matter how she wears it.

5. What are your feelings about dating/marrying outside of your race?

I’ve dated outside my race before and I think it broadens your love horizon. Since love has no color I think everyone should be open to find that special person no matter where or what the culture may be.

Do you feel there’s a still a stigma against interracial couples or is it no longer an issue?

I think the fact that we still are talking about interracial relationships means it still is an issue with most people. I think the younger you are the less it may make a difference.

6. Would you be bothered if you were dating or married to a woman that was more successful or made more money than you? Why or why not?

No. As long as she didn’t make it an issue between us. When I first met my wife she made twice as much as I did. As the years went by my paycheck drastically increased and I made more. What made these changes easy to deal with is the consistent way we felt and dealt with each other. She never made me feel that my manhood was attached to my paycheck. In these tough economic times It’s important that we not make the mistake of not tearing down each others self-esteem.

Ultimately what we need to sustain a good relationship can’t be measured in dollars and cents. It’s measured in qualities, habits, deeds and respect for the other person.

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Transformations: Men, Self-Esteem and Relationships

In a earlier post I talked about a man’s perception of beauty. Now, I can’t and wont speak for most men. However, I think a discussion on a man’s self-esteem as it relates to his choices in his relationships is worthwhile. Self-esteem is not just a woman’s issue. With the economy being in serious trouble and the earning roles of families changing, some men are having to re-examine themselves in ways they never had to before. The epidemic of “Father Hunger” in our communities also has had a massive effect on the way some men feel about themselves. With these issues in play, a man’s self-esteem can be deeply connected to the choices made in terms of the women they choose to sleep with, date or even marry. Even if he had a father or depending how he was raised, a man’s self-esteem can decide if  he sees a woman as a threat to his “man-hood” or a partner in his relationship.

If a man sees himself as a “ladies man,” observes the way his peers treat women and under subtle peer pressure, become emotionally detached, seeing woman as nothing more than objects to be played with, used or even worse, treated with disrespect.

If he’s an “aggressive man” he may have seen the way his Father treated or controlled his Mother and carried that over into his own relationships, possibly leading to emotional and physical violence.

If he is a “passive man” he may not have had a father to guide him or observed a dominating Mother and now chooses women who either do the same to him or don’t encourage him to take the lead in the family.

Hopefully through it all he aspires to be the healthy balance of an “assertive man” who understands the need to use his power to protect and encourage, his wisdom to guide the course of his life, love to fill his life with humility and mildness to see her as his partner and life-mate.

Now I know that you can’t put all men into these categories but what you can do is ask yourself do I fit into one of these types of men? Can I strive to be embody the qualities that will move me closer to becoming a better man than I am now? Food for thought.

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